Much better day today

It is so good that days like today come along to help balance out the days like yesterday. Not many negative feelings going on in my head today, I'm so grateful!

1. I did a 40 minute Firm workout. Sheesh, it kicked my behind, but I did the whole thing. YAY ME!!
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2. I went wedding dress shopping with Geordan. It was so much fun to watch her face when she tried on "the one". It just lit up like Christmas. "That's it, I found it, we're done. Now, Dad hand over the credit card." It was a good day!

3. I spent 4 hours with Kevin. I don't get to spend much time with him and so it was very special to have him all to myself for so long today. We discussed politics, religion and Cisero. I always feel like I learn so much from him. My brain comes away feeling so much smarter!

I'm so grateful for my beautiful children. Each one of them is such a gift from God and I feel so privileged to be their mother. My prayers tonight will be filled with my Abundance of Gratitude for them. I am such a lucky woman!

Hard time thinking of three things today

It's been one of those days where I've had to rack my brain to come up with three good things I did today. Now if you asked me to list things that I did badly or just three really bad things I did, I could make you a list that would go on into eternity (I'm sure it probably will!) but the good things are in short supply today. So here goes nothing.

1. I went for a 60 minute walk. It hurt and I didn't want to, but I went. And when I got home I promptly lost my pedometer in the toilet. I said a bad word, I admit it. But I'm over it.

2. I cleaned the kids bathroom today. It was disgusting and I swore I wouldn't do it again, but I couldn't stand it anymore so I caved. It is all sparkly and lovely though. Gotta love that.

3. I bought Ben a Bakugon at Walmart. It made him so happy. After listening to me yell at him all morning he deserved to be happy for a moment. HMM buying someone's forgiveness, is that a good thing? Am I teaching him right principles? Make Mom really mad and after she's done yelling at you she'll take you shopping and buy you a toy. Maybe not quite what I should be going for.

So there's my three good things for the day. As you can see I've managed to get in a few negative things with the good. Isn't that usually the case. I can't ever just see the good, always gotta find the bad too. But I'm working on it. Tomorrow will be better, right?

Three Good Things I Did today

I'd been doing some reading over the past few weeks, yes I know, what else is new. But I came across a bit of wisdom about recognizing the good things we do everyday, instead of feeling guilty about the things we don't do, or don't do right.

So I got to thinking about that. You know, I've written in gratitude journals, finding something to be grateful for everyday. I've made "to do" lists everyday, I've blogged, written in a regular journal, posted with my Weight Watchers friends, and written on Facebook, Hotmail, etc. I've purged my entire life with a therapist.

I read my scriptures, my Ensign, pray, go to the Temple and keep the commandments and my covenants.

Even doing all these things, my life seems to revolve around all the things I don't do or that I don't do right.

So I'm going to start recognizing the things I DO, everyday. All the things I accomplish, no matter how small, and all the things I DO RIGHT!! I know I do them, I just don't recognize them. So I'm going to start. Want to join me? Just three things that I do right everyday.

Here's todays Three Good Things:

1. I put on my pedometer and went for a walk for 60 minutes. Listened to some good music and came home feeling like a million bucks. YAY for walking!

2. I balanced my checkbook.

3. I cleaned my entire kitchen, including the fridge and floors. It's all sparkly. I love it when my kitchen is clean.

Feeling good about those three things.

What I've Learned in 4 months

Well, here I am, back at last. And here's what I've learned about myself.

I CAN LOSE WEIGHT!!! It's easy, no problem. And here's what else I've learned about myself.

I CAN'T KEEP IT OFF!!!! It's true, I can't.

I tried HCG in April. I lost 17 pounds in 20 days. It was amazing. And I felt so good, so skinny and wonderful, physically and emotionally. Then I stopped taking the HCG, had some kind of family drama, wound up spending a week in bed and gained 10 pounds back. Go figure!

So here's the conclusion I've drawn.

My issue isn't really losing weight. My issue is how to cope with life without sitting in my bed and eating. If I can learn how to do that, then when I lose weight I'll keep it off. Simple, huh? Yeah right!

So in the meantime, until I figure out my crazy life, I rejoined Weight Watchers. Going to the meetings this time which has been kind of fun. I'm losing really slow, but the slower the better cause it gives me a chance to figure out this mental issue. I have so many, what's one more!

Been doing a lot of soul searching, lots of praying. Of course I know the answer lies in the power of God, I just need to figure out how to fully access that power in my life. But I'm working on it. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Nothing quick is going to fix this. So I'm in it for the long haul.

And the most important thing I've learned is that no matter what I weigh, no matter what I can or can't do, no matter how many social events I attend or don't attend, no matter what!!!, God loves me and I am of great worth to him. That's all that really matters in the end, isn't it?

March 10, 2009

I was down 5 lbs at my weigh in this morning. Finally, I'm moving in the right direction. I'm feeling very relaxed about it all right now. No pressure, just steadily moving in the way I should and not stressing about anything right now. It's just what I need to be doing and I'm doing it. Wish I could feel this way all the time. But of course, hormones and stress and anxiety will rear their ugly heads eventually. For now though, I'm enjoying this feeling.

March 6, 2009

The wedding is over and the vertigo is finally gone. I think I have fully recovered from both of them, but it took me awhile.

I've been out of bed and the fork has been put away for 3 days now and I'm feeling human again. Had one day there when I ate so much I truly wished that I had been able to make myself throw up. Funny that after all the years of morning sickness and daily puking that I can't just make myself throw up on demand, but I can't. That's probably a blessing! Would hate to be a binger and a purger, right?

I'm up over the 200 mark again, but what's really interesting is that after only 3 days of eating well and exercising I don't feel that fat. Those endorphins really kick in and make me feel so GOOD. I love it. Why don't I remember how good exercising and eating right make me feel when I'm in the middle of a bed and binge? That's the question of the day.

February 11, 2009

I'm still buzzing this morning from my day yesterday. Upgrading from Kindle 1 to Kindle 2 will do that to me, I guess. Thank you's again to my dear husband who agreed to buy me a Kindle 2 for my birthday, instead of the much cheaper sewing machine I'd originally asked for! I'm sure I didn't need the new Kindle, but hey, sometimes wants count, right?

I woke up at 4:00am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I kept replaying my today's to-do list in my mind. ARGGHHHH!!! I hate it when that happens.

Fortunately, I'm feeling pretty good, not dragging yet. I decided last minute that I needed to run to the grocery store after I dropped Ben off at school. Wondered why, when I got halfway there and it started snowing and blowing like crazy. Said a little prayer for safety and carried on.

The scale is a friend this morning, I'm down 3 lbs since I started my blog. YAY me!! But really, the thanks goes to my Heavenly Father who has blessed me with strength and courage. I'm grateful to Him for His tender mercies today. Prayer is the key, I'm sad that it has taken me so long to figure that out, but so grateful that I finally did.

February 10, 2009

I'm not sure why I got out of bed today. I didn't have anything exciting to look forward to, no bribes I'd rewarded myself with, no exciting new music. I just got out of bed! Maybe I'm making progress or maybe I am just growing tired of the bed, who knows. But I'm up. That's what counts.

I cleaned the living room, dusted, vacuumed, put laundry away, started more, made beds, helped Ben with homework, read scriptures, wrote in my journal and took Ben to school all by 9:00am.

I just finished a good 30 minute work out and now I'm going to go feed myself, do more laundry and get myself cleaned up.

I am looking forward to a WHOLE 5 hours of quiet house. I think everyone is well and back to school and work for the first time in almost a week. Hallelujah!

So I'm going to read a book and sit in the quiet of my house. DO NOT DISTURB!! LOL

February 7, 2009

I had a really LONG night last night. Ben was up several times needing medicine and attention. After the past couple of days I was really feeling the FREAKISHLY HUGE anxiety rearing its ugly head.

I was really craving my bed and lots of food this morning, but knew I had things that had to be done today. Mainly going to Sharylann's bridal shower, and finding a mother of the bride dress for the wedding in two weeks. Kind of important things.

So I did some soul searching, and some praying and pondering and decided to get up out of the bed and go for a walk. Eight AM on a Saturday morning, ice on the sidewalks and just slightly chilly out, but there I was, music blasting in my head walking down the center of the road to avoid the ice.

I'm feeling awake and so much better now. YAY And ready to take on my day and make important lifetime memories.

Favorite new song: Lifehouses' Broken. It had some real meaning for me and this journey that I'm on right now!

February 6, 2009

I didn't even have to make myself get out of bed this morning. I was anxious to get out of bed. The house is empty except for me, everyone is at school and work. It was a pleasure to get out of bed so I could enjoy the peace and quiet of having no sick people at home!

I tried really hard to be an angel of mercy to my sick guys yesterday. I even brought Kevin his meals to the couch in the loft. He's always so good to me when I'm sick. I wanted, just one time, to be good to him. It made me feel good to do something nice for him, for a change.

I had an AHA moment this morning. I've spent alot of time over the years reading books on losing weight. Books about visualization, books about pinching your little finger and thinking happy thoughts, books on meditation, books on goal setting. All have helped in little ways of course.

But the past couple of days as I've read my scriptures in the mornings, I've been reminded of the power of revelation and prayer. I decided it was finally time to turn to the Lord for some answers, DUH!!! You know, the answer is always there, staring at you in the face, and sometimes I think you have to reach the bottom before you realize that. Why haven't I ever prayed about my problems, or asked him what I should be doing as far as eating and exercising goes? Why do I look to "experts" to help me, when he truly is THE expert?

I found some good answers, answers that seem to be working for me so far. The scale was back in the 190's this morning.

He lives! He loves me. He knows me. He listens when I pray. I'm grateful for the AHA moments in my life.

February 5, 2009

I think this is going to be one of those days when I got out of bed but so wished I hadn't!

Kevin came home from his trip sick, Jesse has been home from work for two days now sick, and Ben is home from school today sick. I HATE SICK!!!! Especially sick boys and men. For some reason when they are sick no one in the world is is sick as they are.

But I got up and took a little girl from the ward to school and then went on to the grocery store to buy lots of comfort food so my guys could have things to eat that make them happy. Soup, yogurt, cottage cheese, crackers, turkey, gushers, ice cream, gogurts. You know, all the good stuff.

So as my reward for going shopping and being at home with all the sickies (and missing the Temple with Sharylann this morning) I bought myself a book and a magazine and a little tiny container of Cookie Dough Ice Cream (you know, the 1/2c. containers of Ben and Jerry's that are only 200 CALORIES!!!). So maybe they'll all take a nap and I can read a book and eat some ice cream. On the couch, not in my bed, I promise!

February 4, 2009

I crawled out of bed to run Ben to school this morning. While I was in the car I happened to open my eyes enough to see that the sky was blue, the sun was shining and people were actually out walking their dogs. That led me to the conclusion that it might be kind of warm outside. HMMMM

So I came home, crawled back into bed and read my scriptures and an article in the Ensign (which reminded me of the ability of the Temple to make us feel better, which may be why I get out of bed tomorrow!) and then got back out of bed and went out for a walk.

It was pretty chilly when I started walking, but after a few minutes of doing a walk/jog I was feeling pretty warm. I walked down to the Holiday Station and then back. Took me about an hour and I was feeling it by the time I trudged back up our hill, but WOOHOOOOO am I feeling good now. All those vitamins from the sun, and endorphins from my sort of run, I feel like I could conquer the world today.

February 3, 2009

The only thing that got me out of bed today was the promise I made to myself.

Dear self: "If you get out of bed today, clean the kitchen, put away the laundry, dust and water the plants, exercise and take a shower, then you can order a book for your Kindle."

So I've done everything on the list and now I can go order my book. Some days I have to make bargains with myself. Does anyone else in the world have to do that? Or is it just crazy me?

I stayed in bed most of the day yesterday and I ate until I was sick. Of course I then picked this morning to step on the scale. Still seeing that 200 but what did I expect.

Please tell me I'll conquer this behavior someday soon. I don't think I want to live my whole life battling this disease, addiction, habit, whatever it is. There has to be a better way to cope with that FREAKISHLY HUGE ANXIETY than sitting in my bed eating till I'm sick. I'm tired of the way I feel when I'm living this way.

LOL Alisha! I don't flip off the construction guys anymore. I'm at the age where I relish the compliment!

I got out of bed yesterday just for the Ipod tunes I downloaded. I had a great workout and have to say that running to Britney Spears' Womanizer and Lizabeth's Hip/Hop stuff makes the time go quicker.

Today I got out of bed to go to Church. I'm so glad I did, if just for Relief Society which was wonderful. Sister MacArthur gives the sweetest lessons. And the Spirit was strong and sweet. But what made it really worth getting out of bed for today was sitting next to Jaclyn Weist and her sweet baby. I've never seen a baby show his joy with every inch of his body and he has a smile to die for. Made me feel joyous just watching him. Thanks for sharing that with me today Sister Weist!!!

So now I must admit that I feel social overload and wish I could just crawl back into bed right now. I am struggling like crazy with social claustrophia right this second. Crawling anxiety, creepy depression, freakishly huge (Ben's favorite term) stress! I hate that I can feel such pleasure in being in Relief Society this morning, and feel such misery this evening. SIGH

January 30, 2009

I just spent an hour updating my playlist on Itunes. Strangely, that makes me happy and was worth getting out of bed for. Got me some new Pussycat Dolls, Nickelback and Fallout Boy, thanks to Lizabeth. She keeps me up to date on all the good stuff to listen to.

So now I'll have some new tunes to listen to tomorrow when I run on the treadmill (well, I don't really run, sort of walk and jog, but that's another story!). And knowing that I have those songs waiting for me will give me a reason to get out of bed tomorrow. Killed two birds with one stone today.

Had a little feel good moment this morning too. Went out to bring in the trashcan and got whistled at by the construction guys across the street. Still feels good when that happens! That alone was almost worth getting out of bed for.

January 29, 2009

Today I got out of bed to get my hair colored. I'm a new woman! There is something about looking in the mirror and not seeing a grey hair in my head that just leaves me feeling GOOD! Also I got my eyebrows waxed, which in a weird way also leaves me feeling good. Hurts while it's happening, but hey, what's a little pain.

So thanks Tricia for making it worth my while to put on my real clothes (not just the sweats and hoodies I've been wearing) and leave my house.

Of course, putting on real clothes meant putting on my jeans which are too tight, but that's another story and I don't want to go there right now.

The sun is shining, the mountains are gorgeous, my hair is blonde and I feel beautiful. Life's good today and well worth venturing into the world for.

January 28th continued

I've been down on the treadmill for the past 40 minutes listening to my IPOD and walking to nowhere. One of my favorite songs is Pink's "Sober". For some reason today the words really had meaning for me.

She says:
"Ahhh-Ahhh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, 'come play'
Ahhh-Ahhh I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame.

When it's good, then it's good
It's all good til it goes bad
'Til you try to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again!
Broken down in agony

I'm safe up high
Nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?"


I have an addiction that makes me feel safe, like nothing can touch me. Food does that for me. It comforts me, makes me feel like there is no pain, it protects me and keeps the world at bay.

Sometimes I wish I could just sit in my bed and eat my life away. That's where my heaven is. It's pretty sad, huh? But I haven't always felt that way. Just a couple of years ago I lost 97 pounds, I was walking everyday, taking my littlest son to the park and playing, riding my bike in the canyon, hiking to the top of Mt. Timpanogos.

Somewhere I lost myself again, and the only thing that has made me feel good has been food. I agree with Pink, "How do I feel this good sober?" I'm not sure how to get out of this mindset again.

So here I sit, over 200 lbs again! Gained about 40 lbs back. I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to make myself care.

How do I let go of the bed and the food and go out into the world and be apart of it again? I guess today is one step in the right direction!

January 28, 2009

I started my very first blog today. And that's where I'm beginning. It's time, time to get out of the bed, once again and do something, ANYTHING!! I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, no not really even spinning wheels, as that would require something to be moving. I'm just being a lump of flesh, of no worth to anyone, especially myself. I don't like the way that feels.

I've been in this place before, I know what happens to my body and my spirit. My weight has gone up, my spirit has gone down, and I need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control.

So I'm just going to DO something everyday. Today, I started a blog. Tomorrow, who knows? But something. I'll let you know how that goes!