January 30, 2009

I just spent an hour updating my playlist on Itunes. Strangely, that makes me happy and was worth getting out of bed for. Got me some new Pussycat Dolls, Nickelback and Fallout Boy, thanks to Lizabeth. She keeps me up to date on all the good stuff to listen to.

So now I'll have some new tunes to listen to tomorrow when I run on the treadmill (well, I don't really run, sort of walk and jog, but that's another story!). And knowing that I have those songs waiting for me will give me a reason to get out of bed tomorrow. Killed two birds with one stone today.

Had a little feel good moment this morning too. Went out to bring in the trashcan and got whistled at by the construction guys across the street. Still feels good when that happens! That alone was almost worth getting out of bed for.

January 29, 2009

Today I got out of bed to get my hair colored. I'm a new woman! There is something about looking in the mirror and not seeing a grey hair in my head that just leaves me feeling GOOD! Also I got my eyebrows waxed, which in a weird way also leaves me feeling good. Hurts while it's happening, but hey, what's a little pain.

So thanks Tricia for making it worth my while to put on my real clothes (not just the sweats and hoodies I've been wearing) and leave my house.

Of course, putting on real clothes meant putting on my jeans which are too tight, but that's another story and I don't want to go there right now.

The sun is shining, the mountains are gorgeous, my hair is blonde and I feel beautiful. Life's good today and well worth venturing into the world for.

January 28th continued

I've been down on the treadmill for the past 40 minutes listening to my IPOD and walking to nowhere. One of my favorite songs is Pink's "Sober". For some reason today the words really had meaning for me.

She says:
"Ahhh-Ahhh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, 'come play'
Ahhh-Ahhh I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame.

When it's good, then it's good
It's all good til it goes bad
'Til you try to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again!
Broken down in agony

I'm safe up high
Nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?"


I have an addiction that makes me feel safe, like nothing can touch me. Food does that for me. It comforts me, makes me feel like there is no pain, it protects me and keeps the world at bay.

Sometimes I wish I could just sit in my bed and eat my life away. That's where my heaven is. It's pretty sad, huh? But I haven't always felt that way. Just a couple of years ago I lost 97 pounds, I was walking everyday, taking my littlest son to the park and playing, riding my bike in the canyon, hiking to the top of Mt. Timpanogos.

Somewhere I lost myself again, and the only thing that has made me feel good has been food. I agree with Pink, "How do I feel this good sober?" I'm not sure how to get out of this mindset again.

So here I sit, over 200 lbs again! Gained about 40 lbs back. I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to make myself care.

How do I let go of the bed and the food and go out into the world and be apart of it again? I guess today is one step in the right direction!

January 28, 2009

I started my very first blog today. And that's where I'm beginning. It's time, time to get out of the bed, once again and do something, ANYTHING!! I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, no not really even spinning wheels, as that would require something to be moving. I'm just being a lump of flesh, of no worth to anyone, especially myself. I don't like the way that feels.

I've been in this place before, I know what happens to my body and my spirit. My weight has gone up, my spirit has gone down, and I need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control.

So I'm just going to DO something everyday. Today, I started a blog. Tomorrow, who knows? But something. I'll let you know how that goes!