What I've Learned in 4 months

Well, here I am, back at last. And here's what I've learned about myself.

I CAN LOSE WEIGHT!!! It's easy, no problem. And here's what else I've learned about myself.

I CAN'T KEEP IT OFF!!!! It's true, I can't.

I tried HCG in April. I lost 17 pounds in 20 days. It was amazing. And I felt so good, so skinny and wonderful, physically and emotionally. Then I stopped taking the HCG, had some kind of family drama, wound up spending a week in bed and gained 10 pounds back. Go figure!

So here's the conclusion I've drawn.

My issue isn't really losing weight. My issue is how to cope with life without sitting in my bed and eating. If I can learn how to do that, then when I lose weight I'll keep it off. Simple, huh? Yeah right!

So in the meantime, until I figure out my crazy life, I rejoined Weight Watchers. Going to the meetings this time which has been kind of fun. I'm losing really slow, but the slower the better cause it gives me a chance to figure out this mental issue. I have so many, what's one more!

Been doing a lot of soul searching, lots of praying. Of course I know the answer lies in the power of God, I just need to figure out how to fully access that power in my life. But I'm working on it. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Nothing quick is going to fix this. So I'm in it for the long haul.

And the most important thing I've learned is that no matter what I weigh, no matter what I can or can't do, no matter how many social events I attend or don't attend, no matter what!!!, God loves me and I am of great worth to him. That's all that really matters in the end, isn't it?

March 10, 2009

I was down 5 lbs at my weigh in this morning. Finally, I'm moving in the right direction. I'm feeling very relaxed about it all right now. No pressure, just steadily moving in the way I should and not stressing about anything right now. It's just what I need to be doing and I'm doing it. Wish I could feel this way all the time. But of course, hormones and stress and anxiety will rear their ugly heads eventually. For now though, I'm enjoying this feeling.

March 6, 2009

The wedding is over and the vertigo is finally gone. I think I have fully recovered from both of them, but it took me awhile.

I've been out of bed and the fork has been put away for 3 days now and I'm feeling human again. Had one day there when I ate so much I truly wished that I had been able to make myself throw up. Funny that after all the years of morning sickness and daily puking that I can't just make myself throw up on demand, but I can't. That's probably a blessing! Would hate to be a binger and a purger, right?

I'm up over the 200 mark again, but what's really interesting is that after only 3 days of eating well and exercising I don't feel that fat. Those endorphins really kick in and make me feel so GOOD. I love it. Why don't I remember how good exercising and eating right make me feel when I'm in the middle of a bed and binge? That's the question of the day.

February 11, 2009

I'm still buzzing this morning from my day yesterday. Upgrading from Kindle 1 to Kindle 2 will do that to me, I guess. Thank you's again to my dear husband who agreed to buy me a Kindle 2 for my birthday, instead of the much cheaper sewing machine I'd originally asked for! I'm sure I didn't need the new Kindle, but hey, sometimes wants count, right?

I woke up at 4:00am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I kept replaying my today's to-do list in my mind. ARGGHHHH!!! I hate it when that happens.

Fortunately, I'm feeling pretty good, not dragging yet. I decided last minute that I needed to run to the grocery store after I dropped Ben off at school. Wondered why, when I got halfway there and it started snowing and blowing like crazy. Said a little prayer for safety and carried on.

The scale is a friend this morning, I'm down 3 lbs since I started my blog. YAY me!! But really, the thanks goes to my Heavenly Father who has blessed me with strength and courage. I'm grateful to Him for His tender mercies today. Prayer is the key, I'm sad that it has taken me so long to figure that out, but so grateful that I finally did.

February 10, 2009

I'm not sure why I got out of bed today. I didn't have anything exciting to look forward to, no bribes I'd rewarded myself with, no exciting new music. I just got out of bed! Maybe I'm making progress or maybe I am just growing tired of the bed, who knows. But I'm up. That's what counts.

I cleaned the living room, dusted, vacuumed, put laundry away, started more, made beds, helped Ben with homework, read scriptures, wrote in my journal and took Ben to school all by 9:00am.

I just finished a good 30 minute work out and now I'm going to go feed myself, do more laundry and get myself cleaned up.

I am looking forward to a WHOLE 5 hours of quiet house. I think everyone is well and back to school and work for the first time in almost a week. Hallelujah!

So I'm going to read a book and sit in the quiet of my house. DO NOT DISTURB!! LOL

February 7, 2009

I had a really LONG night last night. Ben was up several times needing medicine and attention. After the past couple of days I was really feeling the FREAKISHLY HUGE anxiety rearing its ugly head.

I was really craving my bed and lots of food this morning, but knew I had things that had to be done today. Mainly going to Sharylann's bridal shower, and finding a mother of the bride dress for the wedding in two weeks. Kind of important things.

So I did some soul searching, and some praying and pondering and decided to get up out of the bed and go for a walk. Eight AM on a Saturday morning, ice on the sidewalks and just slightly chilly out, but there I was, music blasting in my head walking down the center of the road to avoid the ice.

I'm feeling awake and so much better now. YAY And ready to take on my day and make important lifetime memories.

Favorite new song: Lifehouses' Broken. It had some real meaning for me and this journey that I'm on right now!

February 6, 2009

I didn't even have to make myself get out of bed this morning. I was anxious to get out of bed. The house is empty except for me, everyone is at school and work. It was a pleasure to get out of bed so I could enjoy the peace and quiet of having no sick people at home!

I tried really hard to be an angel of mercy to my sick guys yesterday. I even brought Kevin his meals to the couch in the loft. He's always so good to me when I'm sick. I wanted, just one time, to be good to him. It made me feel good to do something nice for him, for a change.

I had an AHA moment this morning. I've spent alot of time over the years reading books on losing weight. Books about visualization, books about pinching your little finger and thinking happy thoughts, books on meditation, books on goal setting. All have helped in little ways of course.

But the past couple of days as I've read my scriptures in the mornings, I've been reminded of the power of revelation and prayer. I decided it was finally time to turn to the Lord for some answers, DUH!!! You know, the answer is always there, staring at you in the face, and sometimes I think you have to reach the bottom before you realize that. Why haven't I ever prayed about my problems, or asked him what I should be doing as far as eating and exercising goes? Why do I look to "experts" to help me, when he truly is THE expert?

I found some good answers, answers that seem to be working for me so far. The scale was back in the 190's this morning.

He lives! He loves me. He knows me. He listens when I pray. I'm grateful for the AHA moments in my life.