January 28th continued

I've been down on the treadmill for the past 40 minutes listening to my IPOD and walking to nowhere. One of my favorite songs is Pink's "Sober". For some reason today the words really had meaning for me.

She says:
"Ahhh-Ahhh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, 'come play'
Ahhh-Ahhh I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame.

When it's good, then it's good
It's all good til it goes bad
'Til you try to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again!
Broken down in agony

I'm safe up high
Nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?"


I have an addiction that makes me feel safe, like nothing can touch me. Food does that for me. It comforts me, makes me feel like there is no pain, it protects me and keeps the world at bay.

Sometimes I wish I could just sit in my bed and eat my life away. That's where my heaven is. It's pretty sad, huh? But I haven't always felt that way. Just a couple of years ago I lost 97 pounds, I was walking everyday, taking my littlest son to the park and playing, riding my bike in the canyon, hiking to the top of Mt. Timpanogos.

Somewhere I lost myself again, and the only thing that has made me feel good has been food. I agree with Pink, "How do I feel this good sober?" I'm not sure how to get out of this mindset again.

So here I sit, over 200 lbs again! Gained about 40 lbs back. I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to make myself care.

How do I let go of the bed and the food and go out into the world and be apart of it again? I guess today is one step in the right direction!